Team Rational
by pisceshomosapien
Summary: AKA: How to become a ninja without the use of a bijuu, clan jutsu, Kekkei Genkai, or perfect chakra control. AKA: A thousand and one ways to torment Ebisu: The story of Team Nine.


It's early spring in Konohagakure. The sun is shining, birds are chirping and everything is wonderful.

With the lone exception of a group of four people sitting in dead silence near the small pool by the east gate. For them, it's just awkward.

The first is a medium-sized eleven year old, brown eyes and brown hair. With these relatively common traits, in Konoha the boy would charitably be describe as a nice, normal looking child with a sweet face. In reality, the boy could have walked up to you, introduced himself, conducted a ten minute discourse on the idiocy of the clan systems in the Hidden Villages, accused you of being an enabler of the oligarchy and spat in your face, and within an hour you would have forgotten his name, his lecture and the general concept of his existence. His name was Watanabe Sajin, and he has been staring at his new sensei and teammates for the past few minutes, determined not to crack first.

The second is a rather tall girl, at least for her age, with slightly more distinctive black hair and eyes that appear to be constantly accusing you of having killed her favorite puppy. The eyes themselves are a remarkably pale shade of blue, bordering on Hyuuga white, and have been staring at the small squirrel hiding in the oak tree directly behind her sensei without blinking for approximately three minutes while said squirrel skitters uncomfortably up and down the length of said tree. Her name is Hajime Nojiko, and she is actually the brightest person in her class. She is far beyond a certain Haruno Sakura in that she actually has personal skills, can blend in with her classmates, and knows how to not get picked on for being an insufferable know-it-all fangirl.

The third child is the smallest and appears utterly uninterested in anything going on around him, including his teammates, his sensei, and the squirrel. You can tell because his eyes are closed and he appears to be sleeping while sitting perfectly upright. His teammates (and the squirrel) appear to be slightly impressed by his ability, with the sole exception of his sensei who isn't entirely convinced that he is asleep. His name is Fukurou Takashi, and his biggest secret is that he has no desire to be a shinobi. It's not so much a secret as a generally known fact, but still, he likes to pretend it a secret. His second biggest secret is _actually_ a secret and involves the absurd spate of luck that is otherwise known as his _entire life_. Whether it is the luck of kami or of the devil, he is unsure, but he knows that only his luck could have landed him in a Genin team without having actually taking the Genin exam or ever attending the Academy.

The fourth, and last of the group, is also the eldest. His name is simply Ebisu, and he is the only one of the entire group aware that the future of the village may depend on the three children sitting in front of him. He is a tokubetsu jonin of Konoha, with a specialty in _not being an utter lunatic_. Truly a unique ability among the village jonin. One he is hoping to cultivate among the next generation of Konoha Shinobi. He is the only one who knows that this is his last chance to train a Genin team before being assigned to one Sarutobi Konohamaru and that if this team doesn't pass, _he will totally loose it_, and have to take up _porn_ like some unmentioned Cyclops because he will NOT be able to handle teaching a small child whose sole goal is to become Hokage by killing the sitting leader of his village. Because that will definitely go over well with the Daimyo. And with the rest of the village.

Ebisu would very much like to not have to take up porn if he can avoid it. Jiraya may be an excellent author, but KAMI does that man's infatuation with Tsunade have to show up in every single book!?

Ebisu, as you may be able to discern, is very close to the edge.

In short, they are four of the five most intelligent, _rational_, people in the village, which is in so many ways a terrifying idea in a village full of shinobi.

They've been sitting and staring at each other (or the aforementioned squirrel) for approximately fifteen minutes now.

The squirrel is contemplating whether or not it should attempt to break the ice.

"Why don't we start by introducing ourselves," Ebisu said, having lost the staring contest with his students via extreme discomfort. "I'll go first. My name is Ebisu; I am a Tokubetsu Jonin of the village with a specialty I will not yet reveal to you. I enjoy training, a nice cup of sake after a long day, and staying far, _far_ away from Sarutobi Konohamaru. I dislike traitors and insane people. My goal for the future is to pass the three of you as a Genin team, and my dream is to retire from shinobi life at age 35." There were several raised eyebrows at the end of his introduction, mainly from Sajin and Nojiko, as Takashi was still "sleeping".

When another minute goes by, and no one begins speaking, Ebisu indicated to Nojiko that she should continue. She eyed her sensei warily before launching into speech.

"My name is Nojiko. I enjoy shogi, bathing in the hot springs, and learning about chakra. My dislikes include my parents who insist that I enter civilian school and study to become an accountant for the village. My goal is to become a Special Jonin and my dream is to establish a new universal chakra theory, as the theory taught to us in school lacks a certain….logic."

Ebisu nodded impatiently, having ignored the vast majority of Nojiko's introduction and motioned to Sajin to continue.

"Hi there. I'm Watanabe Sajin, My likes include jutsu research and invention as well as cooking. My dislikes include Konoha's council, its clans, and anyone who helps perpetuate the oligarchical stranglehold on the village. My goal is the establishment of a resistance movement to undermine the clans and elect a Hokage by direct vote as opposed to allowing the previous Hokage or council choose the successor. My dream is to establish my own ninja family and horde jutsu scrolls so that my family can have their own secret techniques and actually match up to clan members in a straight out fight."

By this point even Takashi deigned to open his eyes and join the staring. Which they all did unabashedly for another long moment. When it became clear that Sajin would not be elaborating, Ebisu decided to end the suspense.

"Why don't you finish up the introductions Takashi?"

"My name is Fukurou Takashi. My likes are mathematics, science and sleeping. My dislikes include ninjas, chakra and killing people for money. I have no long term desires or dreams, and my immediate goal is to convince you that I should not be a ninja."

The long stretches of silence are beginning to get to the squirrel, who began chittering madly and fell off of the branch.

With a sidelong look at the squirrel, Ebisu said, "Well, now that we have introduced oursel—."

"Hang on a minute Sensei," Nojiko interrupted, "who the hell is this guy? He weren't in our class. How the hell can he be a genin?"

"It involves my love of science, a really determined chunin by the name of Umino Iruka, and the Universe's deep hatred of yours truly," Takashi deadpanned.

Sajin queried, "What the hell does tha—?"

"ANYWAYS," Ebisu interrupted, "as I was saying, now that we have introduced ourselves, I regret that I have to inform you that you are not yet Genin." He paused for dramatic effect.

None of his students looked particularly surprised.

"Sensei, twenty-seven students in our class passed our graduation exam," Sajin explained, "and there are about five hundred shinobi total in Konoha. Do the math. It's obvious that not everyone will become a shinobi or kunoichi. Or if they do, it's obvious that they will die approximately five minutes in to their first C-rank mission."

"I mean, come on. There was a kid in our class who literally attended about once every three days, and he had a headband this morning," Nojiko said.

"Not to mention that Nara kid who is some kind of narcoleptic and didn't actually take any of the other tests at the academy. But I'm sure he only passed on account of his clan's influence with the school council. Just another example of how the oligarchy—"

"Don't you guys want to hear about the actual genin test?"

"Not really, I just want to make sure to fail it." Three guesses who said that.

Ebisu silenced them with a glare. "There are three ways to pass the test. The first is an out right battle. You have to engage two of the other prospective genin teams and defeat them in combat by the end of the week. And they can't just be any genin; they have to be genin who passed their jonin in"

The second is a search and recovery mission." Ebisu took a deep breath, "you must steal the Hokage's hat without his knowledge and return it to me by the end of the week."

"There is one last way to pass the test. There is a student in your graduating academy class who is the subject of two S-Rank secrets. Your mission is to determine the identity of the student. You will have to report it back to me, and you only get one guess."

"For each portion of the test you pass, one member of your team can stay a genin. Everyone else has to head back to the academy."

"Try not to die!" Ebisu waved cheerfully, before disappearing in a large cloud of smoke.

-Break-

The butterfly effect is interesting.

What's more interesting is when you replace the butterfly with an overpowered Futon jutsu.

-Break-

Life… is strength. You live, [thus] you affect your world.

-Jon Irenicus

What effect will you have?


End file.
